Marked by Grief.
I wasn’t planning on writing part two to my last blog. I wanted to sit in the uncertainty that grief brought into my life and let it lie as it does at times. But this morning I had a thought that although my life has been marked by grief, my life is not defined by it. It is a part of me, but it does not make me.
Eugene Peterson writes about his journey as an author in his memoir, “The Pastor”. His writing style evolved from writing, to explaining, to something called Heuristic writing. Heuristic writing is the process of writing to discover. I don’t know where this blog is going this morning, but if you would like to discover it with me… let’s jump in.
I just celebrated my 40th birthday. I went out to dinner with my best friend- my wife. We ate tremendous food. We took a walk together and talked. We enjoyed a lovely evening together. Then about a week later, my wife made my favorite meal for our family to eat together and celebrate my birthday.
Mother’s day happened last Sunday. There were years where we didn’t know if we would ever have a joyous Mother’s Day. Years where tears filled the day and we couldn’t find the courage to go to church because everyone was so happy and celebrating. But now we celebrate. We remember the difficulty of the past, but we also look at what is in front of us and know that we are blessed.
Four kids who love us and respect us. We see the beauty of being near our extended family. In my lifetime I have seen the goodness of God. I have loved friends. I have laughed. I have lived. That’s what we are supposed to do right? Live, Laugh, Love.
I would much rather be defined by my joy than my grief. If I got to pick. But there is a problem with that. It is just as unhealthy for me to define myself by my joy as it would be to define myself by my grief.
Why?
The moment I begin to define myself by my joys, what happens when those joyous occasions fade? Am I no longer doing good because the joyous occasion is no longer in my life?
The only thing that I can define myself by is the grace of God.
Grace is a gift that we do not deserve. And Jesus gives us the gift of a right relationship with God through His sacrifice on the cross. Definitely something we do not deserve.
So my life is not defined by any one event. Or any series of events in my life. My life is defined by the never changing gift that was given to me by the creator of the universe.
It sounds like a Christian platitude. Just a nice sound bite that doesn’t have any real meaning in the real world. What does being defined by grace even mean? I mean, it’s nice, but I think it’s pretty abstract…
What does it mean to be defined by grace when things are going well? What does it mean to be defined by grace when life is falling apart at the seams?
Is it possible to experience the joys and pains of life and allow those things to be a part of my life but not allow those things to become my life?
Yeah, of course… but how?
If I am being honest with you I don’t really know the answer to that question. I think it goes back to my last blog. Ecclesiastes 3. Everything belongs. Recognizing that all of it, the good, the bad, the exciting, the mundane, is a part of the tapestry- but it is not the whole tapestry. It is a piece of the story, but it is not the whole story.
I have often viewed my life as a novel. And the different journeys I have been on in my life are the chapters in the novel. The older I am getting I’m beginning to realize it may be a book series rather than a novel. Or a collection of volumes… I don’t know, at some point the metaphor breaks down.
Remembering that it all belongs is important, but that can’t be it. We must also remember that this story that God is writing in your life is not about you. It’s His story. You’re a character in it. Remembering that we are not the main character gives us perspective when good or bad enters the story to know that the author has a purpose for it. That God is going to use that thing, whatever it is, for your good and for His glory.
So I have learned… that’s optimistic… I AM learning to accept what is, understand that it’s not my story, and lastly… this one may be the most difficult… I have to trust the author.
These aren’t steps. It’s not like we can check off these boxes as we go in our own process. And honestly I don’t even know if trusting the author belongs in the same category as the others. Trusting the author is kinda the umbrella statement that belongs over every aspect.
Trusting the author allows you to accept everything as it comes. Trusting the author allows you to accept that the story isn’t about you. Ultimately, trusting the author will allow you to be defined by grace.
The words trust and believe are related. Biblically, there is very little difference between the two. Faith is in there as well. Trust, belief, and faith go beyond intellectual assent. Say we are at the beach and you are in the water, and I yell “SHARK!!!” If you believed me, you would get out of the water. Because trust will always impact your behavior.
And this is not just trusting in God. But it is trusting God. Trusting that He does the things He says He does and is who He says He is.
But this isn’t a one time thing, is it? I forget pretty regularly. I allow myself to be defined by my losses or victories. I like being the founder and CEO of a non-profit. That’s a cool thing to say. I wouldn’t mind defining myself by that. I have 4 beautiful kids who love me and I’m a pretty good dad. I like that a lot. And I am a husband of a wife who believes in me and makes me a better man. All of those are amazing. But I can’t let them define me. Gen Echo can take a nose dive and my family can all die tonight. Who would I be then?
On the other side of the coin, our six babies in heaven and all of the people that I love that we have moved away from and not spoken to since can’t define me either… That would consume me and I would become bitter. I need to keep moving. Rest. Remember. Grieve. Yes. But I can’t stay there. It’s not hopeless. It’s never hopeless.
And I need to constantly remind myself of both of those realities. Constantly remind myself that I am defined by Jesus and His grace. That is the ONLY constant in this world. It will never change. Good times and bad times come and go. Emotions shift. Science discovers new facts. Jesus is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow.
Jesus’ grace tells me that I am: Loved. Forgiven. Redeemed. Made New. That I have purpose. That I have value.
I have been marked by grief. But I refuse to be defined by it.
I have been marked by joy. But I refuse to be defined by it.
I have been defined by my maker. And He calls it Grace.
